Let’s take a quick assessment on where you learned about anger, conflict and conflict resolution:
- How did my parents and close family express they were angry?
- Did they show healthy signs of coping with their anger or destructive unhealthy choices? Examples include breaking items, yelling, hurting or giving punishment to the other including silent treatment, blaming, etc.
- Was anger and frustration allowed or meant to be pushed down and dealt with on your own, but maybe not informed on how to manage the anger?
- Were there any conversations or problem solving?
- Was there repair and apologies- not just primarily with one person apologizing?
- Were there boundaries or requests that were respected with a general compassion for one another?
How our relationship with anger begins
We build our emotional intelligence within the home that paves the way for future interactions and exchanges with expressing emotions (or not) with others. Intentional or not, your parents and guardians sent subtle messages consistently that taught how to express yourself and what’s right/wrong. There may be some key tendencies that you have integrated or others that you have made a pact with yourself that you vehemently reject because you knew what it felt like as a child and your body and mind still holds onto that pain and hurt.
Anger itself is not “bad” or uncontrollable, but how you’ve learned to identify and respond to the anger could be. If you haven’t been given a sense of permission to feel anger (ex. I see you’re frustrated that we have to leave. It’s okay to be frustrated because you’re having fun. I would feel that way too, and it’s our time to go now.”) it can be an internal conflict of knowing how you feel but not feeling like you are allowed to and that can further the frustration. Have you ever been told that what you’re feeling is wrong or you shouldn’t feel that way? Yeah, automatic defenses kicking in, right? You feel what you feel! When our anger is not allowed, our relationship to it becomes one of avoidance and the beginning of not trusting or listening to our natural emotional responses. As a side note, too, if other emotions are not validated or taught, anger can mask them because some people have learned anger is more acceptable or more easily able to be expressed than emotions like guilt, shame, embarrassment, and hurt, or other difficult emotions. These emotions can be harder to problem-solve and are linked to our identity and sense of self which is personal and vulnerable.
Now, I want to get into where this emotion stems from and then we’ll look at some techniques, thoughts and problem solving to better manage the anger.
We feel anger when a value or boundary crossing occurs and it doesn’t align with our ideal worldview. We further that anger when we attach stories and meaning around why things happen in the way they do. Our thoughts on our emotions can prolong the emotion and either the resolution or the buildup of that emotion. Here’s an example of attaching meaning to something bad happening: This is so unfair, this always happens to me! This has several thinking errors: emotional reasoning and should thinking- questioning fairness and how thinking things “should” be as well as using always/never thinking to not give attention to the times it doesn’t happen.
Here is an additional example of anger if not learned in younger years can continue into adulthood.
Child: having to leave the park or end a fun game. Values being challenged: fun and time.
A kid can’t fully rationalize until about age 8 and doesn’t understand that there will be future enjoyable times ahead and that we have to do things we don’t want to do throughout life. So, the kid struggles with accepting the end of something enjoyable because they’re so immersed in the activity and struggle accepting that good things come to an end. Potential meaning created: “We never have any fun or enough time to play” or “that’s not fair” or worst, “you ruin everything.”
Adult: you went to get an oil change and they give an estimate time of 1 hour, but they take closer to 2 hours. Value being challenged: time, clarity with communication and maybe productivity.
We all value our time and if you didn’t plan for it, maybe that extra hour was a “waste” if you had to spend time in the waiting area and didn’t do anything. If you don’t have the understanding and patience, then you may get angry with the person who gave that time estimate and decide to change auto shops in the future. Possible meaning attached: “this always happens to me,” “what a terrible place of business,” “they made me waste 2 hours of my life,” or “people can’t be trusted.”
Some reframes and approaches to the anger- knowing you have choices/problem solving and ways to respond to the situations as well as validating the feelings. Another great tool is practicing gratitude.
Both situations are pretty upsetting/angering. It’s supposed to feel that way when a value is affected. Allow yourself to feel that because it’s a sign that you can identify what is important to you. The child hopefully can focus their attention and enjoyment within the next task ahead or think about how much fun was had as well as think about the next time they will be able to go to the park. If the adult values productivity and their time, they can bring something with them to the next appointment or plan, if doable, to arrange a ride so they don’t have to spend their time in the waiting room not knowing when the task will be completed. Both can appreciate they had something to be grateful for: the child who has a fun space to play at, and the adult having a mode of transportation and the finances to maintain their vehicle.
Past wounds being triggered
We have all been hurt before and that makes us more cautious to being hurt in the future so we can do better to protect ourselves. Some even learn to be on the lookout for future hurts. Another reason anger may be provoked is that they were unable or didn’t have the tools in the past to be able to protect themselves or do much of anything because they were powerless (as a child or submissive) and helpless. If you struggled having a voice or ability to respond previously, you may be more heightened (and angry) when someone interrupts or is dominating a conversation or interaction. The values being threatened here are safety, autonomy and power/choices, among others. Sometimes, when we don’t know where the emotion comes from, or hasn’t been properly addressed, underlying emotions can be provoked that don’t match the context. Additionally, anger can be a more tangible mode of expressing feelings and occurs fairly quickly for a lot of people as it hits the wound that has been ignored or haven’t yet processed.
Calming skills and tools to manage anger
Already recommended is validating the feeling, problem solving and gratitude. Other suggestions include acceptance of the reality of the situation and calming or grounding skills.
Acceptance is ideal when alternative options and responses aren’t feasible. Let’s say a student is on the cusp of not passing a class and the final test was 1 point short of passing. This student has already done extra credit, retakes of tests and there is nothing left for them to do. The consequence is having to redo the entire class. They’ve exhausted their options and didn’t make the cut this time. This is a terrible feeling- especially how close they got to passing and they cannot do anything about it. They can sit in this anger and disappointment for as long as they need to and eventually, if they need the class, they’ll have to do it all over again. This next time around, they can seek a tutor or put in more study time or different studying methods to be able to pass the class. Ultimately, they have to accept that there is nothing else that can be done to not have to redo the class. If the class is important enough to them, they will continue to retake the class. If not, another option is to find an alternative goal to proceed with. They will need to be cautious to not attach a negative meaning to it; something like, “I’ll never be able to accomplish this class,” or “I always fail,” as these are very hopeless ways of thinking and can discourage them from trying again. A reframe can sound like: “this is really difficult to me and I will keep trying because I want to pass so I can get my degree/pass.”
Check out this other blog on grounding skills to see a more comprehensive list. Several go-to calming skills include deep breathing exercises, focusing on a long, slow exhale to calm and quiet the mind, focusing on the 5 senses and being attentive and mindful to your surroundings, drinking water, cold therapies including running cold water over your wrists/hands and visual exercises such as focusing on a better time or thinking about something that brings calmness and peace to mind.
A final and random thought is asking yourself, what will this anger help solve? Does your way of expressing it help you move closer to what’s important to you? If not, maybe there are more effective ways to respond to the emotion.
Open to comments! Did I miss anything regarding the process of anger? Or what helps you express and navigate this emotion?
Healthy Minds Therapy & Wellness 