Am I self-sabotaging?

Have you ever made a SMART goal (read on to find out what this is if you don’t know), to last minute see it blow up and not get accomplished? Have you had every intention to make things go as smoothly as possible to find out it ended miserably, or was only half-accomplished? These examples might be signs you engage in self-sabotage behaviors. Self-sabotage is defined as a destructive, unconscious or conscious behavior to disrupt short or long-term goals and there are several reasons why people do it. This article will provide a brief overview and some tools to address your self-sabotage. Remember! Self-care is always encouraged and blog posts are not individualized and do not replace the therapy-process.

This list is not conclusive, but states many of the reasons for self-sabotage behavior.

1. Neglect Individuals and children who have never or sporadically had their needs met may not be used to successful completion of their goals or intents. They may have negative core beliefs that tell them they are not worthy of achievement or accomplishments and they unconsciously ruin their ambitions in an effort to reinforce their belief system. This may or may not happen on a conscious level, so you might not know you’re engaging in these patterns until you gain awareness and reflection of your decision making and outcomes. These individuals often do not know what their needs include as others were never able to care or nurture them and therefore, they don’t know what it feels like or how to adequately meet their needs.
2. Low self-worth/self-esteem Individuals who have low self-esteem and self-worth believe of themselves no greater than the crumbs on their countertops. Their thought processes go something like, “I’m so stupid, I’ll never pass this course,” “why would anyone want to support my business? I know it’ll fail so I won’t even try,” among many other thoughts. These individuals don’t question the times they succeed and only look at the downfalls. If you tell yourself these things, you are likely to never take the first step in accomplishing your goals.
3. Lived traumatic experiences If you’ve ever experienced any type of trauma, the brain re-wires itself in order to preserve and protect in similar ways in future instances. For example, if someone has endured physical abuse, they may identify with beliefs such as “I’m not in control” or “I am powerless, weak, etc.” This view of the self is then reinforced if trauma is not processed and the belief applies to other areas in that individual’s life. If someone believes they are powerless, one way to cope can look like needing all power and control in relationships causing an unhealthy imbalance within a relationship and harming the relationship.
4. Fear of failure/fear of success Success takes hard work. Someone who sets out to accomplish their goals may not be equipped or ready to maintain the work involved in their success. Somebody that fears either success or failure may never start to work towards their goal because of the consequences of achieving or failing the goal including what that would mean to them. The fear prevents them from the desired outcome. For those that succeed, this could entail the possibility of losing support or changes in day-to-day life among other factors.
5. Negative life-scripts and core beliefs Similar to low self worth, a life-script is a guide for how we perceive our lives to look and how we predict or play-out scenarios and the role that we take. A negative life script also includes the meaning we make around why things happen. If we predict that we will fail, similar to a self-fulfilling prophecy, we most likely will fail. If we are looking for any semblance of negativity, you will find it. This can be detrimental to self-esteem and positive outcomes in one’s life.

So, what to do about it?

Awareness raising. Take some time to think about prior goals and how it went for you. Did you run into obstacles and what did you do to overcome the obstacle or if you let it stop you in your tracks. Noticing your patterns of what you do when things get difficult can help you understand your actions and the thoughts around why things happen and your response to them. Pay particular attention to your thoughts! A person with a negative life script/core belief may say “this always happens to me! Nothing is ever easy.” If you tend to give up when things get challenging, what skills would be good to refine and build on so you can achieve your goal?

Accountability partner A good friend or family member or even a trusty notepad or note section in your phone can help you stay on track to check in with and cross to-do’s off of your list. Someone who will can uplift and motivate you when you lose motivation (this is normal!!) or just someone to have next to you cheering you on while they’re working on their own goals.

Earlier I mentioned SMART Goals which are outlined and measured by asking questions such as, is the goal specific? How will I measure progress? Is this something I can achieve? Is it relevant? And lastly, is it timely? Meaning, is there an end and how much time will I spend on it? Ex. “I want to lose weight” is not a SMART goal. A goal that answers all these questions would look like: “I will spend Sunday prepping lunch and dinner meals for 5/7 days and spend 3 days working out for 45 minutes/week.” The more you fine tune the details, the easier it will be to check off if you are accomplishing the goal which can help with staying motivated and engaged with the goal.

Last tip I’ll mention is reframing your thoughts. If you want to learn more about this skill, connect with me for a therapy session if you live in Florida or contact a therapist in your area. Reframing is the use of identifying a negative thought and replacing the thought with a more productive and helpful thought. One cognitive error is a black and white thought that goes something like: “I never do anything good enough.” To reframe this thought, steer clear of “never, always” language and come up with an exception where you did do something good. Instead of the original thought, the new thought can go, “I made a mistake and it doesn’t look like I had hoped but I will take a break and then spend more time on this until I feel more satisfied with the outcome.” The first thought will have you feeling ashamed, disappointed and discouraged whereas the second thought will lead you to re-engaging with the task and feeling better about yourself.