A recent theme I’ve noticed over the past couple of years is an attempt for parents to connect with their children and while many times parents do a decent job, I’ve seen some faltering. A specific example is a parent’s shock (or sadness or both!) of their kid growing up and a difficult time accepting their evolving and growing kid. This happens when a comparison is made from the current version of the child to a past version of them. It can be done positively such as, “Oh! You don’t like Pokémon as much as you used to, but now you’ve found a new interest.” Other not so positive times, I’ve heard from teens and kids that they feel invalidated and not seen. Now, mind you – 4 of the more important things for anyone to feel connected include feeling seen, heard, understood and loved. When you compare a child or partner to an older version of themselves, you are denying them of who they are in that moment and not fully seeing them as they are. A negative example can be well-meaning but on the receiving end can be hard to respond to: “You used to be so happy/silly/loving…” This example expresses a need from the person stating it. They might care about the person and wish for that person’s happiness again or are worried about the individual and the changes they are seeing. Instead of comparing to a past version, a better approach is to be curious, ask open questions (ones that you can’t answer with a yes or no or one word response) and have a conversation around the change. This may be hard to accept the change for you, but if you don’t positively respond, your child may find it hard to open up to you about other changes in the future.
Other “openers” of conversations sound like:
- I noticed ___, can you tell me about it?
- Lately, you seem ___, is there anything you’d like to talk about or I can help with?
- I wonder… (you can wonder anything and it’s less intimidating than a direct question, try not to lead too much into solving the problem if there is a problem)
- What do you need?
- What do you think is happening?
- What are some ideas?
- What do you like about ___? What do you dislike about ____?
- Is there anything you’d like to stay the same or change about ___?
These are only a few of the ways you can get your child to open up. You can also state observations of patterns including actions or emotions and allow this to be a conversation-starter. Remember, your tone and how you state questions and comments can reflect judgement, so try to focus on how you’re speaking to not shed any judgement.
Healthy Minds Therapy & Wellness 